The Final Push is the Most Painful...

Salut! Hola!

Today is April 25, 2009. In 12 days, I will have taken my last final of undergrad :0, :), and :(. Graduation is May 17. I just cannot believe it. After years of talking this day up, it's here and it's approaching faster than I expected.

So with that in mind, we're in a recession. A recession that I'm refusing to participate in...with no job after graduation (lol). That is probably the single most factor of stress in my life right now. I'm going to have a Penn State degree and have no job. I'm going to have a Penn State degree and still have no clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing exactly. Up until Thursday, I was crying and yelling at God (I know...I really feel bad) about how frustrated I was. I'm taking 24 credits this semester and schoolwork is getting to me. I'm trying to have a decent GPA so when I apply to grad school later this year, someone will actually want me in their program. All these things have been sloshing around in my head and I was, for lack of more accurate phrasing, headed towards a breakdown. I had begun to withdraw from everyone and I was sleeping (definitely not in a restful way) and eating my life away. I was bad.

But my daddy (and oh how I thank God for a man of God in my life) reminded me of something. When a woman's in labor, the most difficult moment is the last push before the baby's out. That is the point of the most intense pain and stretching, the yelling, the screaming, the crying. But the joy that comes after that...WOW. And I've just resolved myself to the fact that these little things are labor pains. Graduation is the birthing of a new part of my life but it definitely will not be easily won. I'll appreciate the joy even more because of the pain.

And that's with most things in life...would we really appreciate things if we didn't have to go through a little? Would I appreciate my house that much if we hadn't first lived in a small apartment? Would I appreciate my degree if I hadn't had to work this hard to get to this point? Would I appreciate salvation if the Lord didn't allow my sin to expose how wretched and broke down I am without Him? I'm going to say "no". And I'm going to appreciate the struggle! I'm going to recognize that whatever the Lord has in His plans for my life, seeking Him can only increase my chances of knowing these things, not decrease. So, I guess the only thing to do is to wait on God at this moment and trust that He is working, even through the pain and even through my inability to see Him.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." --II Corinthians 12:9-10

For the People,
Ash B.

Be Strong, Be Courageous (Day 1)

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." --Joshua 1:7-9

Patrice called me today and told me to read Joshua 1. I haven't had the chance to talk to her at length yet to see what she got from the passage. What I received from this passage was what was key in verses 7-9. I love when the Lord repeats Himself. That probably means that it's something really important. The words strong and courageous fill this particular passage as the Lord is trying to admonish Joshua as Joshua enters his new position as leader of God's people. Joshua's predecessor, Moses, had just died and these were the Lord's first instructions to Joshua as leader. I notice that the Lord does not dwell on Moses' death; He gets right to the point with Joshua. He gives Joshua instructions and He makes sure that Joshua knows that the work will not be done in his own power.

"Be strong and be courageous...I am with you." I know what I've got to do. I can't keep looking at the past or what other people have done. I've got to be strong, be courageous, and be obedient to God.

Phileo love,
Ash B.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Twin (Jade) and I at the Gamma Gala

Hey People,

"Be that as it may...", "As it were..."

btw, I hate expressions like that but it's so funny to use them in jest. If you know me and hear me use expressions like that, you'll understand that I'm not a bit serious in my use of them.

So, this weekend was awesome. On Friday, even though it was raining like crazy here in State College, Twin and I went to Kohl's to look for accesories for the Gamma Gala which was Saturday night. There wasn't as much of a selection as I would've liked but "after all, this is State College." That is everyone's famous excuse for everything and it was nicely applied at that time. Got back to my dorm and hit the bed hard body for like 3 hours. That was a blessed experience...those types of sleeps come from the 3rd heavenlies somewhere. Got up and went to the VERITAS Coffeehouse...that was awesome, per usual.

Saturday was the Oil Change Ministry. I can't begin to express how conflicted my insides were. There I was, being there, being me, and harboring the secret crush-like thing for one of the guys there. Per the norm, he paid me absolutely no attention so I can't say my feelings were hurt. I didn't put myself out there either so I guess he had good reason not to pay me any attention. Getting attention was not the focus of me going there so it would be wrong for me to "feel some type of way about that." I also got a tad bit emotional thinking about how this is my last month in State College. I hated this place until yesterday (lol...I'm kidding. But it was until this semester, actually) but now, I actually don't want to go back to experiencing life outside this place on a permanent basis. Is that wrong? Anywho, after Oil Change, I came back and glammed up to go to Gamma Gala with Twin. That was cool...not too much to say on it. We then came back to my dorm and watched "First Wives Club". That movie does me right EVERY time I watch it.

Today was United Sunday at State College Assembly. I was blessed to see two fellow VERITAS comrades get water-baptized today! What a blessing! The whole service was just excellent. Pastor Grabill did a masterful job in conveying to us what Jesus went through because of our sins (Killer Debt...i loved the double entendre). Main takeaway point for me: We downplay our sins and as a result of that, we downplay the sins of others. This affects our passion to reach the lost. I believe this point was so true. I know there have been many times when, under the weight of my own guiltiness, I downplayed my sins and have let it dilute the sins of others as well. This is probably why I uphold standards at one moment and don't in another moment. Whew...thank God for Jesus! His consistency is unparalleled!

So...now, I'm at this point. It's almost 11 pm on Palm Sunday evening. The last time I fasted was this time last year. My spiritual life is on its way to the ICU. Physically, ugh. lol. Academically, I feel like there's a real possibility that I will do something to screw up me graduating in May (ppl keep telling me it's all in my head). I look around me and everyone seems to be doing this and that, and getting hitched, and getting jobs, and realizing their purpose in God, and "so on and so forth"...and I'm here. Financially...I'm just praying. I just need the Lord...every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday. And that's real.

I'm doing a 21 Day Fast. I plan to chart it on here since I'll have a bit more free time a.k.a. no Facebook. I need some answers and I need them fast. But what I've resolved myself to even more is...even if the Lord doesn't give me one answer during this time, He's worth every bit of the sacrifice. Shame on me for not being proactive earlier.

For the people,
Ash B.

Song on constant replay: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48kRtw5PtCI&feature=related