It's been a minute. I'll be the first to admit it.
I was sitting in my room alone, something I've done a lot of in the past few days. There has been such a blockage in my mind over the past few weeks; how could I have let myself slip so far away from His grasp. I was doing fine....I was excited about God...I was making progress that only He and I knew about and then bam! I hit a mental brick wall. I'll be the first to admit that things hadn't been the same since I wrote the Prototype blog but had it thrown me THAT far off that I couldn't bounce back like I normally do. I tried to dust myself off and get back to business as usual but I simply could not for some reason. I consumed my time with the MEDIA...any and everything I could to distract me from the issues in my mind. I was smart enough to take this as an opportunity not to fall back into depression...but had I really? I was up and moving around...I was normal around my friends over here...the Ashley who could always be counted on to say something to send the people around me into a fit of laughter. Still comfortable in that facade, I quietly think to myself.
I'll admit...these past 2 weeks haven't been ones to bring up the fondest of memories. True, I went to Vienna, Prague, and Geneva and had a wonderful time with some great gal pals of mine. But also, within those same two weeks, I was robbed on the Metro in Prague (my new laptop...OUCH, I know), had been rejected for a summer job that I really wanted (the only reason I brought my laptop on the trip in the first place), and had a relapse into negative self-thinking. Where had all the positive energy gone? Most importantly, I had a serious communication block with my Savior. Broken and not knowing the words to say, I had been to this place many times before. The feeling is indescribable (that's a euphemism). It's definitely not one of the top 10 feelings in the world. When always found at this place before, as with this time, there never seemed to be the right words. All I could do is sit there and rationalize in my judgmental mind all the reasons why God would NOT want to hear from lil ol' me. Repeating the vicious cycle of old, I let it drive a tiny wedge between me and the Lover of My Soul. I was...ahem...am hurting, scared, and watching as life drearily passes by. True, by all other standards, I am "having the time of my life" right now. 20 years old and spending 6 months of my life in such a beautiful country with more time to get into trouble than to study. And if I went by those standards, I, too, would have to agree that this indeed is the time of my life; but you know when there's simply something missing...something that is holding you back from having your best life ever (no I haven't read that book).
That's where the Gospel comes in. Bored this afternoon, I finally picked up the book Ali had given me for Christmas, entitled "The Gospel for Real Life". I had started the book earlier in the year but for some reason for the past few weeks, stories of the Mafia (The Godfather: The Lost Years) and love (Immediate Family) had consumed my reading time. I hadn't specifically figured out my plan to reintroduce myself to God as His child who, even though I rarely get it right, was willing to try and try until I do. I figured starting to read this book again would at least give me the segway I needed. For as much as God had proven Himself to me as a loving and protective Father, friend, and more, there was still a part of me so scared to go to Him and release all my inhibitions. I have no doubt, though, that as the bond between He and I grows stronger, it'll be easier for me to see Him for who He really is. I opened the book and as I had always loved before, God had a jack-in-the-box surprise for me in there:
"Has it yet gripped you that when God looks at you today He sees you clothed in the perfect, sinless obedience of His Son? And that when He says, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with Him I am well-pleased,' He includes you in that warm embrace? The extent to which we truly understand this is the extent to which we will begin to enjoy those unsearchable riches that are found in Christ." --"The Gospel for Real Life", Jerry Bridges, Page 39
He knew exactly what I needed to hear. Not only that, He reminded me that Christ took my place. He took my place of condemnation, He took my place of punishment, He took my place of banishment from the presence of God. HE TOOK MY PLACE. Things hadn't been stellar but I still have my life. I still have another chance to make things right, another chance to find the fulfillment that only comes from being in His presence, the chance to surrender myself to the plan that is His Perfect Will.
So out of the shadows I crawl....nothing to have my chest stuck out for and nothing for which to be proud. Just humbled by the love of a God who isn't just universal but who is personal. There's no way anyone could convince me otherwise. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you is faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ"-Philippians 1:6. His Word is His Word.
Encouragement for the people; flowing from a grateful heart to a loving God. JE VOUS ADORE.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
At least a girl has her dreams...
"...No one else can take your place. I've been in love before but no one has ever made me feel this way. No longer on my own, I'm never alone, because you're right here by my side [Jesus]. Lord, I'm Yours..." -"I'm Yours", Men of Standard.
This gospel song entitled "I'm Yours" encapsulates what I feel right now. You know how sometimes you just get stuck and you don't know how to make it back. You know God is loving and forgiving of you being neglectful of Him but you just....feel stuck. As I've been sitting here thinking the last couple of days, I've been daydreaming a lot. Been daydreaming about the past, the present, and what I'd like for the future. I have no idea what God has in store but I know that in my daydreams, I always end up happy. I always end up smiling and I always end up with that good feeling. Perhaps, it's because I'm getting the attention I want from the "right" people or perhaps because I'm doing something I've always longed to do; either way, the outcome is always happiness. That temporary feeling a of gratification that can be here one minute and gone the next. It brings a smile to my face and then when I come to, I realize that it was all but a dream. The smile, the fuzzy feeling, the warmth is all gone. It was made up, conjured up by my vivid imagination. Hitting reality again is sometimes the hardest part....going into the daydream knowing that it's imagined doesn't hurt nearly as bad as the trip back from the imaginitive recesses of my mind. Sometimes, though, it's easier to daydream than to live in reality, no matter how hard the fall back.
That's where the difference between joy and happiness comes into play. Happiness is temporary; joy is forever. Happiness can be taken away; joy can't be snatched. Happiness is what the world offers; joy is only what God can give. The trick is distinguishing between the two; and sometimes, I must admit, it can be quite hard. You see, happiness seems to come a lot quicker and easier than joy, at least for me. Joy is found through seeking God, something that I can't seem to get right a lot of times. Everytime I get to a place where I feel like I'm getting it, I get suckerpunched in the face and the lure of happiness creeps in. But now I'm at a point in my life when I'm realizing that I can't risk joy for happiness. His joy any day could outdo any happiness on any level. His joy is my strength. He offers this joy to me through the relationship He longs to have with me. And so now there is a moment of decision: His joy vs. my happiness. Well folks, it's a daily choice. Honestly, sometimes I pick His joy and other times I pick my happiness. But as I live and as I learn, I understand more and more that His joy has a lifetime guarantee and that in the end, it will be His joy that gives me the best life possible and the best rest possible at the end of it all.
I'm just learning to be patient and trust Him y'all. I may never get it right but He is right, He is truth and so I can firmly stand on everything He's said and everything He's promised.
"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" (so be it) is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." --II Corinthians 1:20-22
"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in JOY and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song in front before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of thornbushes will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will nto be destroyed." --Isaiah 55:10-13
For the people: CHOOSE JOY. It'll save you from a bunch of ups and downs. Trust God and His plan; He'll never renig on promises and He'll never sale you short.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
This gospel song entitled "I'm Yours" encapsulates what I feel right now. You know how sometimes you just get stuck and you don't know how to make it back. You know God is loving and forgiving of you being neglectful of Him but you just....feel stuck. As I've been sitting here thinking the last couple of days, I've been daydreaming a lot. Been daydreaming about the past, the present, and what I'd like for the future. I have no idea what God has in store but I know that in my daydreams, I always end up happy. I always end up smiling and I always end up with that good feeling. Perhaps, it's because I'm getting the attention I want from the "right" people or perhaps because I'm doing something I've always longed to do; either way, the outcome is always happiness. That temporary feeling a of gratification that can be here one minute and gone the next. It brings a smile to my face and then when I come to, I realize that it was all but a dream. The smile, the fuzzy feeling, the warmth is all gone. It was made up, conjured up by my vivid imagination. Hitting reality again is sometimes the hardest part....going into the daydream knowing that it's imagined doesn't hurt nearly as bad as the trip back from the imaginitive recesses of my mind. Sometimes, though, it's easier to daydream than to live in reality, no matter how hard the fall back.
That's where the difference between joy and happiness comes into play. Happiness is temporary; joy is forever. Happiness can be taken away; joy can't be snatched. Happiness is what the world offers; joy is only what God can give. The trick is distinguishing between the two; and sometimes, I must admit, it can be quite hard. You see, happiness seems to come a lot quicker and easier than joy, at least for me. Joy is found through seeking God, something that I can't seem to get right a lot of times. Everytime I get to a place where I feel like I'm getting it, I get suckerpunched in the face and the lure of happiness creeps in. But now I'm at a point in my life when I'm realizing that I can't risk joy for happiness. His joy any day could outdo any happiness on any level. His joy is my strength. He offers this joy to me through the relationship He longs to have with me. And so now there is a moment of decision: His joy vs. my happiness. Well folks, it's a daily choice. Honestly, sometimes I pick His joy and other times I pick my happiness. But as I live and as I learn, I understand more and more that His joy has a lifetime guarantee and that in the end, it will be His joy that gives me the best life possible and the best rest possible at the end of it all.
I'm just learning to be patient and trust Him y'all. I may never get it right but He is right, He is truth and so I can firmly stand on everything He's said and everything He's promised.
"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" (so be it) is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." --II Corinthians 1:20-22
"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in JOY and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song in front before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of thornbushes will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will nto be destroyed." --Isaiah 55:10-13
For the people: CHOOSE JOY. It'll save you from a bunch of ups and downs. Trust God and His plan; He'll never renig on promises and He'll never sale you short.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
GIRL, Interrupted
"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." --Romans 12:11-12
People are quick to throw around that scripture "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child...but when I became a man, I put away childish things." I think it's one of the most misused scriptures because people first of all use it out of context and second of all, many people who say that have not put away childish things. I capitalized girl for a reason in the title. One of the things I've learned during these last couple of days I took off to throw my hissy-fit (yes, I'm being ultra-transparent), is that I am still a girl. I am 20 years old so by society's standards, I am a woman. I am physically shaped as a woman. My parents acknowledge that I'm a young woman. I will be out in the real world in a year therefore I am at least on the fast track to womanhood. I am eligible to vote, go to war and by cigarettes in the US therefore I am a woman. In France (and most European countries), I can buy my own alcoholic beverage (if I choose to but I don't) therefore I am a woman. Addressing me as a girl wouldn't be accurate by other standards clearly. But what the outside shines and what they inside hides can be two different things.
I had gotten discouraged/upset about a few things that happened last week and I decided that I was going to just throw a pity party about it. That's a pretty girlish thing to do. I felt like some people in my family were coming at my neck about something I had done, I felt discouraged about the whole idea of the Bible Study, I didn't feel like the people I wanted to support me the most were there. I don't think I even once considered how God was feeling about me. Feelings from the past started to arise again....I thought that I was going to sink back into depression. I felt alone, even in the midst of others. I felt unwanted...and the more I "spoke" on how positive I was about this new breeze of self-esteem I've had as of lately, the more I thought about how circumstances did not change. Ok...so I have a healthier outlook of myself but still no one wants me. My thoughts were along those lines. Valentine's Day is coming up and as I was sitting there trying to talk others out of feeling sorry for themselves on this man-made holiday, I found myself thinking more and more about how I would not have a valentine this year YET AGAIN. My head was swirling....how can lies and truth dwell in the same place? They can't. Light and dark can't be in the same place. Where there is light, there is no darkness and vice versa. Subconsciously, I was so used to excepting the lies that the truth had no chance. I stopped trying to combat the things I was dealing with. I stopped trying to fight off depression and sadness. Yet, something was different about this time. No matter how low I thought I would get (and I've had some pretty low times in my life), I couldn't get but so low. I couldn't just sit and wallow. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel too sorry for myself. Deep down inside, I knew I owed it to myself and more importantly to God to accept the truth. The truth is that He loves me. No matter how many times I reject His truth, He loves me. No matter how many times I speak words that my heart doesn't believe, He loves me. No matter how many times I'm unfaithful, He loves me. HE LOVES A.M.B. Today, that is the truth my heart is willing to accept. No matter what everything around me looks like, He loves me. No matter how family and friends may act off-and-onish, He still loves me. When I spit in His face with actions that tell Him that His love isn't enough, He still loves me.
And so now that I can accept that truth, I can be uninterrupted again. I can smile because He loves me and He has my best interest at heart. And with His help, I can truly grow to be a woman in His eyes, one who is growing up in her faith and not being complacent where she is. At the end of the day, I just want Him to be pleased with me.
Thanks for bearing with me through this point of growth. No doubt, there will be other interruptions in my life. But as long as the interruptions don't turn into vacations, everything is all good. If you're reading this, be encouraged and know that even though you commit yourself to God and to being a true disciple of Christ, that doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It doesn't mean that you'll get it right all the time. It doesn't mean that you won't sin and you won't get discouraged. It means that you have the opportunity to add meaning in the greatest way to your life by pressing towards the mark. It means that you have the greatest of opportunities because you seek to honor The Father with your life and you allow Him to direct you. It means that when you do come across these times of interruption, you have security system that allows you to reboot faster and come back stronger.
TO HIM: GOD, YOU'RE SO FAITHFUL. EVEN WHEN I'M SO UNLOVEABLE, THAT NEVER STOPS YOU FROM LOVING ME. THANK YOU. YOU ARE SIMPLY THE BEST. I PRAY THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW ME MORE OF YOU AS EACH DAY PASSES. I PRAY THAT MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL GROW MORE AND MORE. I PRAY THAT AS I BECOME MORE SECURE IN YOU, YOU WILL ALLOW THAT TO BECOME AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BECOME MORE SECURE WITHIN MY OWN SKIN. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I HOPE TO MAKE YOU SO PROUD.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
People are quick to throw around that scripture "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child...but when I became a man, I put away childish things." I think it's one of the most misused scriptures because people first of all use it out of context and second of all, many people who say that have not put away childish things. I capitalized girl for a reason in the title. One of the things I've learned during these last couple of days I took off to throw my hissy-fit (yes, I'm being ultra-transparent), is that I am still a girl. I am 20 years old so by society's standards, I am a woman. I am physically shaped as a woman. My parents acknowledge that I'm a young woman. I will be out in the real world in a year therefore I am at least on the fast track to womanhood. I am eligible to vote, go to war and by cigarettes in the US therefore I am a woman. In France (and most European countries), I can buy my own alcoholic beverage (if I choose to but I don't) therefore I am a woman. Addressing me as a girl wouldn't be accurate by other standards clearly. But what the outside shines and what they inside hides can be two different things.
I had gotten discouraged/upset about a few things that happened last week and I decided that I was going to just throw a pity party about it. That's a pretty girlish thing to do. I felt like some people in my family were coming at my neck about something I had done, I felt discouraged about the whole idea of the Bible Study, I didn't feel like the people I wanted to support me the most were there. I don't think I even once considered how God was feeling about me. Feelings from the past started to arise again....I thought that I was going to sink back into depression. I felt alone, even in the midst of others. I felt unwanted...and the more I "spoke" on how positive I was about this new breeze of self-esteem I've had as of lately, the more I thought about how circumstances did not change. Ok...so I have a healthier outlook of myself but still no one wants me. My thoughts were along those lines. Valentine's Day is coming up and as I was sitting there trying to talk others out of feeling sorry for themselves on this man-made holiday, I found myself thinking more and more about how I would not have a valentine this year YET AGAIN. My head was swirling....how can lies and truth dwell in the same place? They can't. Light and dark can't be in the same place. Where there is light, there is no darkness and vice versa. Subconsciously, I was so used to excepting the lies that the truth had no chance. I stopped trying to combat the things I was dealing with. I stopped trying to fight off depression and sadness. Yet, something was different about this time. No matter how low I thought I would get (and I've had some pretty low times in my life), I couldn't get but so low. I couldn't just sit and wallow. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel too sorry for myself. Deep down inside, I knew I owed it to myself and more importantly to God to accept the truth. The truth is that He loves me. No matter how many times I reject His truth, He loves me. No matter how many times I speak words that my heart doesn't believe, He loves me. No matter how many times I'm unfaithful, He loves me. HE LOVES A.M.B. Today, that is the truth my heart is willing to accept. No matter what everything around me looks like, He loves me. No matter how family and friends may act off-and-onish, He still loves me. When I spit in His face with actions that tell Him that His love isn't enough, He still loves me.
And so now that I can accept that truth, I can be uninterrupted again. I can smile because He loves me and He has my best interest at heart. And with His help, I can truly grow to be a woman in His eyes, one who is growing up in her faith and not being complacent where she is. At the end of the day, I just want Him to be pleased with me.
Thanks for bearing with me through this point of growth. No doubt, there will be other interruptions in my life. But as long as the interruptions don't turn into vacations, everything is all good. If you're reading this, be encouraged and know that even though you commit yourself to God and to being a true disciple of Christ, that doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It doesn't mean that you'll get it right all the time. It doesn't mean that you won't sin and you won't get discouraged. It means that you have the opportunity to add meaning in the greatest way to your life by pressing towards the mark. It means that you have the greatest of opportunities because you seek to honor The Father with your life and you allow Him to direct you. It means that when you do come across these times of interruption, you have security system that allows you to reboot faster and come back stronger.
TO HIM: GOD, YOU'RE SO FAITHFUL. EVEN WHEN I'M SO UNLOVEABLE, THAT NEVER STOPS YOU FROM LOVING ME. THANK YOU. YOU ARE SIMPLY THE BEST. I PRAY THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW ME MORE OF YOU AS EACH DAY PASSES. I PRAY THAT MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL GROW MORE AND MORE. I PRAY THAT AS I BECOME MORE SECURE IN YOU, YOU WILL ALLOW THAT TO BECOME AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BECOME MORE SECURE WITHIN MY OWN SKIN. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I HOPE TO MAKE YOU SO PROUD.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Grew Up a Screw Up....
And could never get things right. It seems like I still can't get things right. It's amazing how easy it is to get discouraged. Oh well....God is still faithful. My flow has been temporarily interrupted...be back in a few days.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
Phileo Love,
Ash B.
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