GIRL, Interrupted

"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." --Romans 12:11-12

People are quick to throw around that scripture "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child...but when I became a man, I put away childish things." I think it's one of the most misused scriptures because people first of all use it out of context and second of all, many people who say that have not put away childish things. I capitalized girl for a reason in the title. One of the things I've learned during these last couple of days I took off to throw my hissy-fit (yes, I'm being ultra-transparent), is that I am still a girl. I am 20 years old so by society's standards, I am a woman. I am physically shaped as a woman. My parents acknowledge that I'm a young woman. I will be out in the real world in a year therefore I am at least on the fast track to womanhood. I am eligible to vote, go to war and by cigarettes in the US therefore I am a woman. In France (and most European countries), I can buy my own alcoholic beverage (if I choose to but I don't) therefore I am a woman. Addressing me as a girl wouldn't be accurate by other standards clearly. But what the outside shines and what they inside hides can be two different things.

I had gotten discouraged/upset about a few things that happened last week and I decided that I was going to just throw a pity party about it. That's a pretty girlish thing to do. I felt like some people in my family were coming at my neck about something I had done, I felt discouraged about the whole idea of the Bible Study, I didn't feel like the people I wanted to support me the most were there. I don't think I even once considered how God was feeling about me. Feelings from the past started to arise again....I thought that I was going to sink back into depression. I felt alone, even in the midst of others. I felt unwanted...and the more I "spoke" on how positive I was about this new breeze of self-esteem I've had as of lately, the more I thought about how circumstances did not change. Ok...so I have a healthier outlook of myself but still no one wants me. My thoughts were along those lines. Valentine's Day is coming up and as I was sitting there trying to talk others out of feeling sorry for themselves on this man-made holiday, I found myself thinking more and more about how I would not have a valentine this year YET AGAIN. My head was swirling....how can lies and truth dwell in the same place? They can't. Light and dark can't be in the same place. Where there is light, there is no darkness and vice versa. Subconsciously, I was so used to excepting the lies that the truth had no chance. I stopped trying to combat the things I was dealing with. I stopped trying to fight off depression and sadness. Yet, something was different about this time. No matter how low I thought I would get (and I've had some pretty low times in my life), I couldn't get but so low. I couldn't just sit and wallow. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel too sorry for myself. Deep down inside, I knew I owed it to myself and more importantly to God to accept the truth. The truth is that He loves me. No matter how many times I reject His truth, He loves me. No matter how many times I speak words that my heart doesn't believe, He loves me. No matter how many times I'm unfaithful, He loves me. HE LOVES A.M.B. Today, that is the truth my heart is willing to accept. No matter what everything around me looks like, He loves me. No matter how family and friends may act off-and-onish, He still loves me. When I spit in His face with actions that tell Him that His love isn't enough, He still loves me.

And so now that I can accept that truth, I can be uninterrupted again. I can smile because He loves me and He has my best interest at heart. And with His help, I can truly grow to be a woman in His eyes, one who is growing up in her faith and not being complacent where she is. At the end of the day, I just want Him to be pleased with me.

Thanks for bearing with me through this point of growth. No doubt, there will be other interruptions in my life. But as long as the interruptions don't turn into vacations, everything is all good. If you're reading this, be encouraged and know that even though you commit yourself to God and to being a true disciple of Christ, that doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It doesn't mean that you'll get it right all the time. It doesn't mean that you won't sin and you won't get discouraged. It means that you have the opportunity to add meaning in the greatest way to your life by pressing towards the mark. It means that you have the greatest of opportunities because you seek to honor The Father with your life and you allow Him to direct you. It means that when you do come across these times of interruption, you have security system that allows you to reboot faster and come back stronger.

TO HIM: GOD, YOU'RE SO FAITHFUL. EVEN WHEN I'M SO UNLOVEABLE, THAT NEVER STOPS YOU FROM LOVING ME. THANK YOU. YOU ARE SIMPLY THE BEST. I PRAY THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW ME MORE OF YOU AS EACH DAY PASSES. I PRAY THAT MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL GROW MORE AND MORE. I PRAY THAT AS I BECOME MORE SECURE IN YOU, YOU WILL ALLOW THAT TO BECOME AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BECOME MORE SECURE WITHIN MY OWN SKIN. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I HOPE TO MAKE YOU SO PROUD.

Phileo Love,
Ash B.