Heart Issues...

So...for some reason, today my desire for God seemed to have been turned up 1000x. This is such a blessing because lately I've been so apathetic towards God and the things of God. I mean...I've been active in ministry but not doing ministry. Busy doing church stuff but my heart's been only halfway into it...which means that my heart hasn't been into at all. I've been reading Dancing Cripples, the blog of Pastor Dan Nold of Calvary Baptist in State College, lately. His posts have been a blessing. One post struck me in particular today. In that post, he challenges Christians to evaluate where our hearts are. He exhorts us to live lives of true religion. At the end of the post, he references James 1:26-27 which pierced my heart. It says:

"26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world." (The Message Version)

I thought about Facebook. One of the profile questions is "Religious Views". I always find it interesting to see what people put there. Some people put their denominations. Some put a catchy phrase like "Jesus Freak" or "There is only 1 God". I, myself, simply had "the GOSPEL" as mine. And really, the Gospel is my religious view. That is the center of my religious beliefs. But after reading this passage, this adds depth to a culture of Christians who are working hard to separate themselves from the now-negative label of "religious". People are now into the "Relationship not religion" phase. While I think that's cute and while I do believe that Christians need to redefine and reestablish the word religion in the way the Lord designed for it to be, i think the word religion has depth that the word relationship doesn't. A person can enter into and out of a relationship with ease. Religion, by definition, requires a deep conviction and devotion. So when the Lord says to us that religion (a deep conviction to us of Himself) is to reach the homeless and loveless and to protect ourselves from the godlessness of the world, that should be what is emitted to the world about the "religious". Sadly, it's not. So in my small first effort to help reclaim the word religion/religious (reclamation is big these days; look at the homosexual community and African American community), I edited my religious views to include James 1:26-27.

I'm dying to hear from God right now. I was listening to an online sermon by Pastor Nold and he quoted a man named Henry Blackaby: "If I have trouble hearing God speak, I am in trouble at the very heart of my Christian experience." Time for a spiritual catherization and angioplasty.

For the PEOPLE,
Ash B.

Fear of the Unknown Future

For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid of what's to come next. A test, a birthday, a dance, prom, graduation, not graduating, etc. I know...not a great way to live life. I've always been such a worry wart, probably because I've always, at least subconsciously, have wanted my life to mirror a fairytale. **Ashley dear, you silly, silly girl...what's with the fairytales??** Well, with fairytales, you know that, no matter what happens in the story, at the end of the story it's all good. And, the guy gets the girl. "And they lived happily ever after." LOVELY. And I guess in some ways, I'm looking for my happily ever after with an intense fear of what I never want to happen. I look around at the lives around me, and while seeing exhibitions of grace I see exhibitions of suffering. Must life always SEEM to be moves between one trial that causes one to lean heavily on God to the next?? Where's my happily ever after that I rarely see those around me get? Am I wrong for being afraid to dream and act for fear of looking like/ ending up like everyone else?

These are some of the real questions in my mind. And while blogging this out might not change anything, it'll help me be more aware of where I am. Til then, I know that God's grace is sufficient. Therefore, I know that I can boast in my SUFFERINGS, my INSECURITIES, my FEARS for I know that in these vulnerabilities, God's strength is shown as perfect toward me.

For the People,
Ash B.

Labels

So...it's been what--3 months?!?!? What type of foolishness?? Help me, Father! There is no way that it should have been this long since my last post (which wasn't even a real one at that! hmph.). At any rate, it's great to be back! Feelin' a whole lot of different things right now so...READY, SET...BLOG IT OUT!

So today's topic is labels. My disclaimer before I begin is that this is just therapeutic for me. This is, in no way, a representation of anyone other myself. Just trying to convince myself that it's okay to be, look, act, think, and live like me :)>.

So LABELS. Most of my life, I can honestly (and thankfully) say that I have had people label me in good ways. Whether it's sister, friend, best friend, wise, studious, smart, funny, etc., I've been blessed in such a way that, despite my sometimes selfish and immature ways, the Lord allows most people to see me in a positive light and label me accordingly. Not every label I've received has been so flattering -- and it's those "negative" labels that I dwell on. Why?? I have no clue. Seriously, there's something in me that always draws myself to the negative, whether it be what people say or think of me or whether it's anticipation about the future. A million positive things can be said and if I even SNIFF out a negative comment or thing, I'll be on it and dwell on it for awhile. I know, I know...not a good thing. Definitely a character flaw. I'm working on it :).

So in order to totally screw up your image of me in your mind (lol...never that), I have the ever-annoying habit of turning good labels into bad ones. Let me explain. For most of my life, the most consistent labels that have been applied to me are "sister", "friend", and "best friend". These are absolutely NOT bad labels. But in my mind, these labels become worrisome when applied to me by the opposite sex. I should be happy to even be labeled as such beautiful things but...sometimes I have to admit that I wonder what's wrong with me. Why don't many guys I come in contact with want me to be more than just a friend?? With my stand for Christ, is there much of a difference between my two labels of "close friend" and "girlfriend"?? So many questions and yet I've only come up with one answer so far: it's not time yet. There are many, MANY things that I need to work on and I'm guessing that there's many things "he" needs to work on as well. All I can do at this point is ask the good Lord to give me patience to endure the labels I've been given (whether desirable or not) and to live my life worthy of the best label that can be given--that of "Christian".

In other news, I will be starting a blog series on my fears. Lots of transparency; hopefully, it'll be a blessing for me and an avenue for breakthrough. Tired boots. Tired of travelling these roads over and over again. Time to finish business here so that I may move on. Amen.

For me to the PEOPLE,
Ash B.