Moving On...

BEING HERE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart Issues...

So...for some reason, today my desire for God seemed to have been turned up 1000x. This is such a blessing because lately I've been so apathetic towards God and the things of God. I mean...I've been active in ministry but not doing ministry. Busy doing church stuff but my heart's been only halfway into it...which means that my heart hasn't been into at all. I've been reading Dancing Cripples, the blog of Pastor Dan Nold of Calvary Baptist in State College, lately. His posts have been a blessing. One post struck me in particular today. In that post, he challenges Christians to evaluate where our hearts are. He exhorts us to live lives of true religion. At the end of the post, he references James 1:26-27 which pierced my heart. It says:

"26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world." (The Message Version)

I thought about Facebook. One of the profile questions is "Religious Views". I always find it interesting to see what people put there. Some people put their denominations. Some put a catchy phrase like "Jesus Freak" or "There is only 1 God". I, myself, simply had "the GOSPEL" as mine. And really, the Gospel is my religious view. That is the center of my religious beliefs. But after reading this passage, this adds depth to a culture of Christians who are working hard to separate themselves from the now-negative label of "religious". People are now into the "Relationship not religion" phase. While I think that's cute and while I do believe that Christians need to redefine and reestablish the word religion in the way the Lord designed for it to be, i think the word religion has depth that the word relationship doesn't. A person can enter into and out of a relationship with ease. Religion, by definition, requires a deep conviction and devotion. So when the Lord says to us that religion (a deep conviction to us of Himself) is to reach the homeless and loveless and to protect ourselves from the godlessness of the world, that should be what is emitted to the world about the "religious". Sadly, it's not. So in my small first effort to help reclaim the word religion/religious (reclamation is big these days; look at the homosexual community and African American community), I edited my religious views to include James 1:26-27.

I'm dying to hear from God right now. I was listening to an online sermon by Pastor Nold and he quoted a man named Henry Blackaby: "If I have trouble hearing God speak, I am in trouble at the very heart of my Christian experience." Time for a spiritual catherization and angioplasty.

For the PEOPLE,
Ash B.

Fear of the Unknown Future

For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid of what's to come next. A test, a birthday, a dance, prom, graduation, not graduating, etc. I know...not a great way to live life. I've always been such a worry wart, probably because I've always, at least subconsciously, have wanted my life to mirror a fairytale. **Ashley dear, you silly, silly girl...what's with the fairytales??** Well, with fairytales, you know that, no matter what happens in the story, at the end of the story it's all good. And, the guy gets the girl. "And they lived happily ever after." LOVELY. And I guess in some ways, I'm looking for my happily ever after with an intense fear of what I never want to happen. I look around at the lives around me, and while seeing exhibitions of grace I see exhibitions of suffering. Must life always SEEM to be moves between one trial that causes one to lean heavily on God to the next?? Where's my happily ever after that I rarely see those around me get? Am I wrong for being afraid to dream and act for fear of looking like/ ending up like everyone else?

These are some of the real questions in my mind. And while blogging this out might not change anything, it'll help me be more aware of where I am. Til then, I know that God's grace is sufficient. Therefore, I know that I can boast in my SUFFERINGS, my INSECURITIES, my FEARS for I know that in these vulnerabilities, God's strength is shown as perfect toward me.

For the People,
Ash B.

Labels

So...it's been what--3 months?!?!? What type of foolishness?? Help me, Father! There is no way that it should have been this long since my last post (which wasn't even a real one at that! hmph.). At any rate, it's great to be back! Feelin' a whole lot of different things right now so...READY, SET...BLOG IT OUT!

So today's topic is labels. My disclaimer before I begin is that this is just therapeutic for me. This is, in no way, a representation of anyone other myself. Just trying to convince myself that it's okay to be, look, act, think, and live like me :)>.

So LABELS. Most of my life, I can honestly (and thankfully) say that I have had people label me in good ways. Whether it's sister, friend, best friend, wise, studious, smart, funny, etc., I've been blessed in such a way that, despite my sometimes selfish and immature ways, the Lord allows most people to see me in a positive light and label me accordingly. Not every label I've received has been so flattering -- and it's those "negative" labels that I dwell on. Why?? I have no clue. Seriously, there's something in me that always draws myself to the negative, whether it be what people say or think of me or whether it's anticipation about the future. A million positive things can be said and if I even SNIFF out a negative comment or thing, I'll be on it and dwell on it for awhile. I know, I know...not a good thing. Definitely a character flaw. I'm working on it :).

So in order to totally screw up your image of me in your mind (lol...never that), I have the ever-annoying habit of turning good labels into bad ones. Let me explain. For most of my life, the most consistent labels that have been applied to me are "sister", "friend", and "best friend". These are absolutely NOT bad labels. But in my mind, these labels become worrisome when applied to me by the opposite sex. I should be happy to even be labeled as such beautiful things but...sometimes I have to admit that I wonder what's wrong with me. Why don't many guys I come in contact with want me to be more than just a friend?? With my stand for Christ, is there much of a difference between my two labels of "close friend" and "girlfriend"?? So many questions and yet I've only come up with one answer so far: it's not time yet. There are many, MANY things that I need to work on and I'm guessing that there's many things "he" needs to work on as well. All I can do at this point is ask the good Lord to give me patience to endure the labels I've been given (whether desirable or not) and to live my life worthy of the best label that can be given--that of "Christian".

In other news, I will be starting a blog series on my fears. Lots of transparency; hopefully, it'll be a blessing for me and an avenue for breakthrough. Tired boots. Tired of travelling these roads over and over again. Time to finish business here so that I may move on. Amen.

For me to the PEOPLE,
Ash B.

An Old Song that will never get old to me...

This is my prayer. Gideon Band was really big in the DC Metro Area (DMV) in the late 90s and as many of their songs tended to do, this song blessed me tremendously and continues to.

"Here I stand
torn apart
there's missing pieces in my life.
Pressures of life
are caving in.
My hopes and direction
are unclear.
Like a dove
in a storm,
I'm lost in sin.
But I'll never be alone,
I've found someone to call my own
in you.
Hand-in-hand, you're by my side
and now I know that I'll survive
because of you.
Hear my prayer, O God,
King of Kings,
Lord, we worship you.
We worship You, oh oh
oh oh
We worship you."

Be back on the morrow.
For the People,
Ash B.

The Final Push is the Most Painful...

Salut! Hola!

Today is April 25, 2009. In 12 days, I will have taken my last final of undergrad :0, :), and :(. Graduation is May 17. I just cannot believe it. After years of talking this day up, it's here and it's approaching faster than I expected.

So with that in mind, we're in a recession. A recession that I'm refusing to participate in...with no job after graduation (lol). That is probably the single most factor of stress in my life right now. I'm going to have a Penn State degree and have no job. I'm going to have a Penn State degree and still have no clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing exactly. Up until Thursday, I was crying and yelling at God (I know...I really feel bad) about how frustrated I was. I'm taking 24 credits this semester and schoolwork is getting to me. I'm trying to have a decent GPA so when I apply to grad school later this year, someone will actually want me in their program. All these things have been sloshing around in my head and I was, for lack of more accurate phrasing, headed towards a breakdown. I had begun to withdraw from everyone and I was sleeping (definitely not in a restful way) and eating my life away. I was bad.

But my daddy (and oh how I thank God for a man of God in my life) reminded me of something. When a woman's in labor, the most difficult moment is the last push before the baby's out. That is the point of the most intense pain and stretching, the yelling, the screaming, the crying. But the joy that comes after that...WOW. And I've just resolved myself to the fact that these little things are labor pains. Graduation is the birthing of a new part of my life but it definitely will not be easily won. I'll appreciate the joy even more because of the pain.

And that's with most things in life...would we really appreciate things if we didn't have to go through a little? Would I appreciate my house that much if we hadn't first lived in a small apartment? Would I appreciate my degree if I hadn't had to work this hard to get to this point? Would I appreciate salvation if the Lord didn't allow my sin to expose how wretched and broke down I am without Him? I'm going to say "no". And I'm going to appreciate the struggle! I'm going to recognize that whatever the Lord has in His plans for my life, seeking Him can only increase my chances of knowing these things, not decrease. So, I guess the only thing to do is to wait on God at this moment and trust that He is working, even through the pain and even through my inability to see Him.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." --II Corinthians 12:9-10

For the People,
Ash B.

Be Strong, Be Courageous (Day 1)

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." --Joshua 1:7-9

Patrice called me today and told me to read Joshua 1. I haven't had the chance to talk to her at length yet to see what she got from the passage. What I received from this passage was what was key in verses 7-9. I love when the Lord repeats Himself. That probably means that it's something really important. The words strong and courageous fill this particular passage as the Lord is trying to admonish Joshua as Joshua enters his new position as leader of God's people. Joshua's predecessor, Moses, had just died and these were the Lord's first instructions to Joshua as leader. I notice that the Lord does not dwell on Moses' death; He gets right to the point with Joshua. He gives Joshua instructions and He makes sure that Joshua knows that the work will not be done in his own power.

"Be strong and be courageous...I am with you." I know what I've got to do. I can't keep looking at the past or what other people have done. I've got to be strong, be courageous, and be obedient to God.

Phileo love,
Ash B.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Twin (Jade) and I at the Gamma Gala

Hey People,

"Be that as it may...", "As it were..."

btw, I hate expressions like that but it's so funny to use them in jest. If you know me and hear me use expressions like that, you'll understand that I'm not a bit serious in my use of them.

So, this weekend was awesome. On Friday, even though it was raining like crazy here in State College, Twin and I went to Kohl's to look for accesories for the Gamma Gala which was Saturday night. There wasn't as much of a selection as I would've liked but "after all, this is State College." That is everyone's famous excuse for everything and it was nicely applied at that time. Got back to my dorm and hit the bed hard body for like 3 hours. That was a blessed experience...those types of sleeps come from the 3rd heavenlies somewhere. Got up and went to the VERITAS Coffeehouse...that was awesome, per usual.

Saturday was the Oil Change Ministry. I can't begin to express how conflicted my insides were. There I was, being there, being me, and harboring the secret crush-like thing for one of the guys there. Per the norm, he paid me absolutely no attention so I can't say my feelings were hurt. I didn't put myself out there either so I guess he had good reason not to pay me any attention. Getting attention was not the focus of me going there so it would be wrong for me to "feel some type of way about that." I also got a tad bit emotional thinking about how this is my last month in State College. I hated this place until yesterday (lol...I'm kidding. But it was until this semester, actually) but now, I actually don't want to go back to experiencing life outside this place on a permanent basis. Is that wrong? Anywho, after Oil Change, I came back and glammed up to go to Gamma Gala with Twin. That was cool...not too much to say on it. We then came back to my dorm and watched "First Wives Club". That movie does me right EVERY time I watch it.

Today was United Sunday at State College Assembly. I was blessed to see two fellow VERITAS comrades get water-baptized today! What a blessing! The whole service was just excellent. Pastor Grabill did a masterful job in conveying to us what Jesus went through because of our sins (Killer Debt...i loved the double entendre). Main takeaway point for me: We downplay our sins and as a result of that, we downplay the sins of others. This affects our passion to reach the lost. I believe this point was so true. I know there have been many times when, under the weight of my own guiltiness, I downplayed my sins and have let it dilute the sins of others as well. This is probably why I uphold standards at one moment and don't in another moment. Whew...thank God for Jesus! His consistency is unparalleled!

So...now, I'm at this point. It's almost 11 pm on Palm Sunday evening. The last time I fasted was this time last year. My spiritual life is on its way to the ICU. Physically, ugh. lol. Academically, I feel like there's a real possibility that I will do something to screw up me graduating in May (ppl keep telling me it's all in my head). I look around me and everyone seems to be doing this and that, and getting hitched, and getting jobs, and realizing their purpose in God, and "so on and so forth"...and I'm here. Financially...I'm just praying. I just need the Lord...every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday. And that's real.

I'm doing a 21 Day Fast. I plan to chart it on here since I'll have a bit more free time a.k.a. no Facebook. I need some answers and I need them fast. But what I've resolved myself to even more is...even if the Lord doesn't give me one answer during this time, He's worth every bit of the sacrifice. Shame on me for not being proactive earlier.

For the people,
Ash B.

Song on constant replay: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48kRtw5PtCI&feature=related

Direction

So...I think I am now willing to get myself back in the groove of this whole blogging thing. It's quite therapeutic actually.

So, I had a GREAT convo with the professor I'm a teaching assistant for yesterday. Anyone who knows me knows that i'm such an anti-accounting accounting major. I hate it for the life of me. I don't have a clue why I decided to go through with it. Basically, 4 wasted years. So now that I've found a piece of a passion in sociology, I've been pretty solid on that being what I want to pursue for graduate studies. Anyway, we were having our one-on-one TA meeting the other day and we somehow started talking about our passion to see everyone have healthy self-esteem. i shared with her my experience and my desire to somehow incorporate that into my graduate studies. And it was such a beautiful conversation. It really got me thinking. Hmm...it's praying time.

In other news (if anyone even reads this blog...lol), please pray for my Mommy. She's going through so much right now but God is good. We will definitely continue to trust Him.

I want to write so bad my letter to my future...but I'll save that for another time when I'm not slumped over the keyboard. The sorority had our Spa Night tonight and it turned out great (Thank You, Lord)! So, needless to say, I'm tired (I spent the night working, not being pampered).

For the people,
Ash B.

Daring to Love

Hey friends...

Just a few brief thoughts today.

I am 21 yrs. old (yay for me...lol). I am at the point in my life when I am starting to look around and notice how many of my peers are getting engaged, married, having children, etc. And to be brutally honest, I get downright jealous at times.

But one of the things I've had to realize is that...there is a reason why I'm waiting. There's a reason why the Lord has me single at this point in my life (though I must admit, I hope that this singleness is just a season and not a lifetime. Either way, the Lord will sustain me). It's been an absolute intense struggle for me to just trust God and allow Him to love me like He desires to. I can be so cold and isolated towards Him at times and I realize that if I do this to Him, I will probably do this to whomever the Lord sends to me (if He indeed has someone in mind for me).

So, I've been trying to do better. I've been trying to use all this energy to do some good and for the most part, when I'm busy doing the Lord's work or schoolwork (as it were...lol), I am not consumed with what I do and don't have.

I would like to dedicate this post to my family who love me beyond my little quirks and know me like no other people in this world. To my friends and sorority sisters, what kind of life would I have without you all in it? You are one of the amazing joys of life. I would like to dedicate this post to my two godchildren, through whom the Lord has allowed me to partially peak into the joys of parenthood and who, through their innocence, teach me the meaning of having faith like a child. These people dare to love me inspite of, despite, and because and that's the most awesome feeling in the world.

And I'd like to dedicate this post to my future husband. If you are in God's plan for my life, I know that God is completing works in both of us at this point so that when He brings us together, we will know how to perfectly complement each other while He perfectly completes us. I am daring to love you without knowing you by continuing my promise to God and you to keep myself until the appointed time. (extended version of this to come...)

To the PEOPLE, dare to love God and yourself first in order to meet the challenge of truly loving others.

Ash B.

Why Do We.....

Did this at the VERITAS Coffeehouse on 3/20...it's been on my mind a lot lately. It definitely comes off different when spoken but you should get the point :).

Why do we, who
possess natural, intense beauty
depend on artificial beauty
to define who we are?

Ok…true life…this is me.
I wake up in the morning
look in the mirror
“bleh”.
I’ve got to do something about these spots on my skin
and add some color to my eyes,
comb my hair this way (wait, no, that way),
make sure the lip gloss is poppin’
and this is just the first level of defense.

Clothes…
“omg, I have nothing to wear!”
my thoughts as clothes bust out my drawer
(Lord, I could use a lesson on living a simple life).
So I put this shirt with this shirt,
but this shirt is kinda ugly, and if I wear that one,
I can’t wear those jeans. But do those jeans make me fat?
No, those are the “too loose” ones.why so serious??? Ugh.

Ok…so once fully dressed, I look in the mirror
and resolve myself that I’m not Beyonce or Tyra (Banks),
and I’m ready to go.
sure, I’m not satisfied but who ever is?

Walk out my dorm and look around…and here’s when the real circus begins
“omg…I want her shoes.”, “Those pants go so nicely with her skin tone.”
“I need to get me those glasses.”
ALL DAY LONG. I’m tired.

Rarely do I stop to ever think that God created me, me, for a purpose.
That every skin cell, every curve, and even every perceived flaw was all in His master design.
rarely do I stop to question my motives for even questioning myself…
by who’s values were these values that I’m holding myself to created.
(Clearly it’s someone who wanted me to go crazy.)

Why is it that I spend more hours in the day caring about if someone
looks at me and sees something aesthetically pleasing rather than someone intellectually stimulating,
and why is it that I’d rather have someone refer to me as “sweetheart” rather than “sister”.
(I mean it just runs across my mind…sometimes…not too often though).

Why is it that I predict how people see me before I actually know
and just because nothing’s said I assume the worst?
What is it in me that longs for the artificial attention artificial beauty brings rather than
intricate attention the Father gives because He intricately created me in the image of Beauty
because He is the standard of Beauty.

Look around you, (especially in the past few days) State College has been such a pleasant place
because with the sun out you can see the natural aura that surrounds this place.
The wind blowing playfully, the trees dancing and the leaves singing the chorus of Nature’s song,
the mountains laid out in a marvelous landscape surrounding the city,
few can imitate this…and yet the Creator of these masterful works
created me too and I look in the mirror in disgust sometimes.
What does that say to Him? Better yet, what does that say to me?

You are beautiful.
I’ve been given permission by the creator of beauty to use that word for you.
(I have no clue who gave these other people the permission…)
You are unique and you are you. If you don’t hear it enough, come to me, I’ll tell you.
Don’t trick yourselves…beauty’s not in the eye of the beholder.
That’s probably the most selfish statement I’ve heard.
If someone does not see the beauty they possess, it can be hard to see it in others.
And there’s no standard of beauty…being 5’10 with light skin, a lean mean body, and extensions in your hair is NOT the “it” thing.
Beauty is not ONLY skin deep…God didn’t create it to be just skin deep.
Rather, it is truly a process of the interior moving to the exterior.

Just to prove my point…why can an attractive woman be considered beautiful until she opens her mouth?
After that, she can just be considered pretty.
It’s the content of what’s coming from her mouth
(remember the Word: Out of the mouth the abundance of the heart speaks)
that is the breaking point for beauty.
So in a society that’s great for contradictions, I wouldn’t be so quick to take their word about beauty.
He made you. He knows you. He loves you. And you’re beautiful!

Remember the words of Isaiah 53:2, "He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him."
Jesus is still our Beautiful Savior...and He's our Beautiful Savior because of His actions towards us, not His physical attractiveness to us.

Another one for the beautiful people,
Ash B.

Hiding behind Political Views

So...it's been awhile. A long while.

Since the last time I wrote:
1) America elected it's first African American president.
2) I am literally weeks away from my graduation from Penn State.
3) God is still on the throne....or as Pastor Harry from State College Assembly says, "God is good, the devil is bad, and I know whose side I'm on!"

Now that that's out of the way...on to the important thing I need to get off my chest. So I call myself trying to be more educated; I've been trying to read different blogs to get different perspectives about things that are happening, especially perspectives from the Christian side of things. And after reading some of these, I can truly understand why in America, conservative Evangelicals come off as sooo judgmental. Now, I do not declare myself a conservative or liberal; I can give or take a few things from both sides. And I wouldn't necessarily consider myself an evangelical Christian...I grew up in a Baptist church my whole life yet I attend an Assemblies of God congregation in State College. So, I have absolutely nothing against evangelicals. What I do have a problem with, however (and this may just be a personal qualm), is the way some conservative evangelicals are so adamantly Republican that they cannot step back from it and see what's wrong with the party. I am a registered Democrat but you will never hear me say that there's nothing wrong with the Democrat Party or even assert that. I was reading a blog by my pastor in State College and I always love to read the comments to his posts because the people who comment are mostly white, conservative evangelicals. I find it interesting how a couple of them can find no good in President Obama but is willing to defend President Bush (43). I find it funny how they are willing to defend President Bush (43)'s salvation and adamantly claim that President Obama is not a Christian. Now, I am not defending President Obama's pro-choice stance; I do not support that. But claiming that W. was a Christian and then defending his actions because he was a "babe in Christ" is not right. It is equally not right to just outright say that President Obama is not saved. None of the people commenting know neither W. or Obama personally so commenting on the status of their salvation is, to me, prematurely judging. I think that the most important point to realize is that neither of these men base their decisions solely on their relationships with Christ (if they have one), which still leaves the "Christian" America in potential danger.

Another problem I have is people hiding behind political and religious views to mask true prejudices. I am not convinced that every white, conservative evangelical dislikes Obama because he is a liberal democrat. Some of them dislike him because he is black. Truth is truth. I am never one to assume that it's always the case but I am not naive as well. Covert racism is one of the biggest dividers in the Church of Jesus Christ (not of Latter Day Saints) today. Sunday morning is STILL the most segregated hour in America. And we have the conservative evangelicals whining about how Obama "gets away with murder" with the media. Pleasssseeee someone give me a break! I want them to be able to tell me that had this not been their beloved John McCain that we would be having this same conversation. I have hardly heard people call into question his relationship with the Lord and I don't believe that if he had gotten into the White House that things would be much different than they are now.

So my question is: If we do feel like Obama does not have a relationship with the Lord, how do we plan to bring him in right relationship? I know one thing: these scathing reviews from so called Evangelical Christians will not do it. Are we indeed isolating the people we're called to love and win for Christ? I don't think there's anything wrong with political commentary but some of it just borderlines hateful speech. But then again, these are the same people who listen to the man who hopes Obama fails (Rush Limbaugh--though he himself is not necessarily a Christian, he has a HUGE evangelical backing.)

I did not agree with W. on everything (though he had my support on more than a few things...more than I can say Obama has with conservatives), I never hoped that he failed. But then again, maybe that's the Christ in me.

If you want to show me what it means to be a Christian, show me that love that Christ was known for. This includes doing what the Bible instructs: praying for our leaders and giving them, at the least, our respect.

One more for THE PEOPLE,
Ash B.