Out of the Shadows... (Yo tengo, J'ai besoin de...)

It's been a minute. I'll be the first to admit it.

I was sitting in my room alone, something I've done a lot of in the past few days. There has been such a blockage in my mind over the past few weeks; how could I have let myself slip so far away from His grasp. I was doing fine....I was excited about God...I was making progress that only He and I knew about and then bam! I hit a mental brick wall. I'll be the first to admit that things hadn't been the same since I wrote the Prototype blog but had it thrown me THAT far off that I couldn't bounce back like I normally do. I tried to dust myself off and get back to business as usual but I simply could not for some reason. I consumed my time with the MEDIA...any and everything I could to distract me from the issues in my mind. I was smart enough to take this as an opportunity not to fall back into depression...but had I really? I was up and moving around...I was normal around my friends over here...the Ashley who could always be counted on to say something to send the people around me into a fit of laughter. Still comfortable in that facade, I quietly think to myself.

I'll admit...these past 2 weeks haven't been ones to bring up the fondest of memories. True, I went to Vienna, Prague, and Geneva and had a wonderful time with some great gal pals of mine. But also, within those same two weeks, I was robbed on the Metro in Prague (my new laptop...OUCH, I know), had been rejected for a summer job that I really wanted (the only reason I brought my laptop on the trip in the first place), and had a relapse into negative self-thinking. Where had all the positive energy gone? Most importantly, I had a serious communication block with my Savior. Broken and not knowing the words to say, I had been to this place many times before. The feeling is indescribable (that's a euphemism). It's definitely not one of the top 10 feelings in the world. When always found at this place before, as with this time, there never seemed to be the right words. All I could do is sit there and rationalize in my judgmental mind all the reasons why God would NOT want to hear from lil ol' me. Repeating the vicious cycle of old, I let it drive a tiny wedge between me and the Lover of My Soul. I was...ahem...am hurting, scared, and watching as life drearily passes by. True, by all other standards, I am "having the time of my life" right now. 20 years old and spending 6 months of my life in such a beautiful country with more time to get into trouble than to study. And if I went by those standards, I, too, would have to agree that this indeed is the time of my life; but you know when there's simply something missing...something that is holding you back from having your best life ever (no I haven't read that book).

That's where the Gospel comes in. Bored this afternoon, I finally picked up the book Ali had given me for Christmas, entitled "The Gospel for Real Life". I had started the book earlier in the year but for some reason for the past few weeks, stories of the Mafia (The Godfather: The Lost Years) and love (Immediate Family) had consumed my reading time. I hadn't specifically figured out my plan to reintroduce myself to God as His child who, even though I rarely get it right, was willing to try and try until I do. I figured starting to read this book again would at least give me the segway I needed. For as much as God had proven Himself to me as a loving and protective Father, friend, and more, there was still a part of me so scared to go to Him and release all my inhibitions. I have no doubt, though, that as the bond between He and I grows stronger, it'll be easier for me to see Him for who He really is. I opened the book and as I had always loved before, God had a jack-in-the-box surprise for me in there:

"Has it yet gripped you that when God looks at you today He sees you clothed in the perfect, sinless obedience of His Son? And that when He says, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with Him I am well-pleased,' He includes you in that warm embrace? The extent to which we truly understand this is the extent to which we will begin to enjoy those unsearchable riches that are found in Christ." --"The Gospel for Real Life", Jerry Bridges, Page 39

He knew exactly what I needed to hear. Not only that, He reminded me that Christ took my place. He took my place of condemnation, He took my place of punishment, He took my place of banishment from the presence of God. HE TOOK MY PLACE. Things hadn't been stellar but I still have my life. I still have another chance to make things right, another chance to find the fulfillment that only comes from being in His presence, the chance to surrender myself to the plan that is His Perfect Will.

So out of the shadows I crawl....nothing to have my chest stuck out for and nothing for which to be proud. Just humbled by the love of a God who isn't just universal but who is personal. There's no way anyone could convince me otherwise. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you is faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ"-Philippians 1:6. His Word is His Word.

Encouragement for the people; flowing from a grateful heart to a loving God. JE VOUS ADORE.

Phileo Love,
Ash B.