Heart Issues...

So...for some reason, today my desire for God seemed to have been turned up 1000x. This is such a blessing because lately I've been so apathetic towards God and the things of God. I mean...I've been active in ministry but not doing ministry. Busy doing church stuff but my heart's been only halfway into it...which means that my heart hasn't been into at all. I've been reading Dancing Cripples, the blog of Pastor Dan Nold of Calvary Baptist in State College, lately. His posts have been a blessing. One post struck me in particular today. In that post, he challenges Christians to evaluate where our hearts are. He exhorts us to live lives of true religion. At the end of the post, he references James 1:26-27 which pierced my heart. It says:

"26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world." (The Message Version)

I thought about Facebook. One of the profile questions is "Religious Views". I always find it interesting to see what people put there. Some people put their denominations. Some put a catchy phrase like "Jesus Freak" or "There is only 1 God". I, myself, simply had "the GOSPEL" as mine. And really, the Gospel is my religious view. That is the center of my religious beliefs. But after reading this passage, this adds depth to a culture of Christians who are working hard to separate themselves from the now-negative label of "religious". People are now into the "Relationship not religion" phase. While I think that's cute and while I do believe that Christians need to redefine and reestablish the word religion in the way the Lord designed for it to be, i think the word religion has depth that the word relationship doesn't. A person can enter into and out of a relationship with ease. Religion, by definition, requires a deep conviction and devotion. So when the Lord says to us that religion (a deep conviction to us of Himself) is to reach the homeless and loveless and to protect ourselves from the godlessness of the world, that should be what is emitted to the world about the "religious". Sadly, it's not. So in my small first effort to help reclaim the word religion/religious (reclamation is big these days; look at the homosexual community and African American community), I edited my religious views to include James 1:26-27.

I'm dying to hear from God right now. I was listening to an online sermon by Pastor Nold and he quoted a man named Henry Blackaby: "If I have trouble hearing God speak, I am in trouble at the very heart of my Christian experience." Time for a spiritual catherization and angioplasty.

For the PEOPLE,
Ash B.

Fear of the Unknown Future

For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid of what's to come next. A test, a birthday, a dance, prom, graduation, not graduating, etc. I know...not a great way to live life. I've always been such a worry wart, probably because I've always, at least subconsciously, have wanted my life to mirror a fairytale. **Ashley dear, you silly, silly girl...what's with the fairytales??** Well, with fairytales, you know that, no matter what happens in the story, at the end of the story it's all good. And, the guy gets the girl. "And they lived happily ever after." LOVELY. And I guess in some ways, I'm looking for my happily ever after with an intense fear of what I never want to happen. I look around at the lives around me, and while seeing exhibitions of grace I see exhibitions of suffering. Must life always SEEM to be moves between one trial that causes one to lean heavily on God to the next?? Where's my happily ever after that I rarely see those around me get? Am I wrong for being afraid to dream and act for fear of looking like/ ending up like everyone else?

These are some of the real questions in my mind. And while blogging this out might not change anything, it'll help me be more aware of where I am. Til then, I know that God's grace is sufficient. Therefore, I know that I can boast in my SUFFERINGS, my INSECURITIES, my FEARS for I know that in these vulnerabilities, God's strength is shown as perfect toward me.

For the People,
Ash B.

Labels

So...it's been what--3 months?!?!? What type of foolishness?? Help me, Father! There is no way that it should have been this long since my last post (which wasn't even a real one at that! hmph.). At any rate, it's great to be back! Feelin' a whole lot of different things right now so...READY, SET...BLOG IT OUT!

So today's topic is labels. My disclaimer before I begin is that this is just therapeutic for me. This is, in no way, a representation of anyone other myself. Just trying to convince myself that it's okay to be, look, act, think, and live like me :)>.

So LABELS. Most of my life, I can honestly (and thankfully) say that I have had people label me in good ways. Whether it's sister, friend, best friend, wise, studious, smart, funny, etc., I've been blessed in such a way that, despite my sometimes selfish and immature ways, the Lord allows most people to see me in a positive light and label me accordingly. Not every label I've received has been so flattering -- and it's those "negative" labels that I dwell on. Why?? I have no clue. Seriously, there's something in me that always draws myself to the negative, whether it be what people say or think of me or whether it's anticipation about the future. A million positive things can be said and if I even SNIFF out a negative comment or thing, I'll be on it and dwell on it for awhile. I know, I know...not a good thing. Definitely a character flaw. I'm working on it :).

So in order to totally screw up your image of me in your mind (lol...never that), I have the ever-annoying habit of turning good labels into bad ones. Let me explain. For most of my life, the most consistent labels that have been applied to me are "sister", "friend", and "best friend". These are absolutely NOT bad labels. But in my mind, these labels become worrisome when applied to me by the opposite sex. I should be happy to even be labeled as such beautiful things but...sometimes I have to admit that I wonder what's wrong with me. Why don't many guys I come in contact with want me to be more than just a friend?? With my stand for Christ, is there much of a difference between my two labels of "close friend" and "girlfriend"?? So many questions and yet I've only come up with one answer so far: it's not time yet. There are many, MANY things that I need to work on and I'm guessing that there's many things "he" needs to work on as well. All I can do at this point is ask the good Lord to give me patience to endure the labels I've been given (whether desirable or not) and to live my life worthy of the best label that can be given--that of "Christian".

In other news, I will be starting a blog series on my fears. Lots of transparency; hopefully, it'll be a blessing for me and an avenue for breakthrough. Tired boots. Tired of travelling these roads over and over again. Time to finish business here so that I may move on. Amen.

For me to the PEOPLE,
Ash B.

An Old Song that will never get old to me...

This is my prayer. Gideon Band was really big in the DC Metro Area (DMV) in the late 90s and as many of their songs tended to do, this song blessed me tremendously and continues to.

"Here I stand
torn apart
there's missing pieces in my life.
Pressures of life
are caving in.
My hopes and direction
are unclear.
Like a dove
in a storm,
I'm lost in sin.
But I'll never be alone,
I've found someone to call my own
in you.
Hand-in-hand, you're by my side
and now I know that I'll survive
because of you.
Hear my prayer, O God,
King of Kings,
Lord, we worship you.
We worship You, oh oh
oh oh
We worship you."

Be back on the morrow.
For the People,
Ash B.

The Final Push is the Most Painful...

Salut! Hola!

Today is April 25, 2009. In 12 days, I will have taken my last final of undergrad :0, :), and :(. Graduation is May 17. I just cannot believe it. After years of talking this day up, it's here and it's approaching faster than I expected.

So with that in mind, we're in a recession. A recession that I'm refusing to participate in...with no job after graduation (lol). That is probably the single most factor of stress in my life right now. I'm going to have a Penn State degree and have no job. I'm going to have a Penn State degree and still have no clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing exactly. Up until Thursday, I was crying and yelling at God (I know...I really feel bad) about how frustrated I was. I'm taking 24 credits this semester and schoolwork is getting to me. I'm trying to have a decent GPA so when I apply to grad school later this year, someone will actually want me in their program. All these things have been sloshing around in my head and I was, for lack of more accurate phrasing, headed towards a breakdown. I had begun to withdraw from everyone and I was sleeping (definitely not in a restful way) and eating my life away. I was bad.

But my daddy (and oh how I thank God for a man of God in my life) reminded me of something. When a woman's in labor, the most difficult moment is the last push before the baby's out. That is the point of the most intense pain and stretching, the yelling, the screaming, the crying. But the joy that comes after that...WOW. And I've just resolved myself to the fact that these little things are labor pains. Graduation is the birthing of a new part of my life but it definitely will not be easily won. I'll appreciate the joy even more because of the pain.

And that's with most things in life...would we really appreciate things if we didn't have to go through a little? Would I appreciate my house that much if we hadn't first lived in a small apartment? Would I appreciate my degree if I hadn't had to work this hard to get to this point? Would I appreciate salvation if the Lord didn't allow my sin to expose how wretched and broke down I am without Him? I'm going to say "no". And I'm going to appreciate the struggle! I'm going to recognize that whatever the Lord has in His plans for my life, seeking Him can only increase my chances of knowing these things, not decrease. So, I guess the only thing to do is to wait on God at this moment and trust that He is working, even through the pain and even through my inability to see Him.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." --II Corinthians 12:9-10

For the People,
Ash B.

Be Strong, Be Courageous (Day 1)

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." --Joshua 1:7-9

Patrice called me today and told me to read Joshua 1. I haven't had the chance to talk to her at length yet to see what she got from the passage. What I received from this passage was what was key in verses 7-9. I love when the Lord repeats Himself. That probably means that it's something really important. The words strong and courageous fill this particular passage as the Lord is trying to admonish Joshua as Joshua enters his new position as leader of God's people. Joshua's predecessor, Moses, had just died and these were the Lord's first instructions to Joshua as leader. I notice that the Lord does not dwell on Moses' death; He gets right to the point with Joshua. He gives Joshua instructions and He makes sure that Joshua knows that the work will not be done in his own power.

"Be strong and be courageous...I am with you." I know what I've got to do. I can't keep looking at the past or what other people have done. I've got to be strong, be courageous, and be obedient to God.

Phileo love,
Ash B.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Twin (Jade) and I at the Gamma Gala

Hey People,

"Be that as it may...", "As it were..."

btw, I hate expressions like that but it's so funny to use them in jest. If you know me and hear me use expressions like that, you'll understand that I'm not a bit serious in my use of them.

So, this weekend was awesome. On Friday, even though it was raining like crazy here in State College, Twin and I went to Kohl's to look for accesories for the Gamma Gala which was Saturday night. There wasn't as much of a selection as I would've liked but "after all, this is State College." That is everyone's famous excuse for everything and it was nicely applied at that time. Got back to my dorm and hit the bed hard body for like 3 hours. That was a blessed experience...those types of sleeps come from the 3rd heavenlies somewhere. Got up and went to the VERITAS Coffeehouse...that was awesome, per usual.

Saturday was the Oil Change Ministry. I can't begin to express how conflicted my insides were. There I was, being there, being me, and harboring the secret crush-like thing for one of the guys there. Per the norm, he paid me absolutely no attention so I can't say my feelings were hurt. I didn't put myself out there either so I guess he had good reason not to pay me any attention. Getting attention was not the focus of me going there so it would be wrong for me to "feel some type of way about that." I also got a tad bit emotional thinking about how this is my last month in State College. I hated this place until yesterday (lol...I'm kidding. But it was until this semester, actually) but now, I actually don't want to go back to experiencing life outside this place on a permanent basis. Is that wrong? Anywho, after Oil Change, I came back and glammed up to go to Gamma Gala with Twin. That was cool...not too much to say on it. We then came back to my dorm and watched "First Wives Club". That movie does me right EVERY time I watch it.

Today was United Sunday at State College Assembly. I was blessed to see two fellow VERITAS comrades get water-baptized today! What a blessing! The whole service was just excellent. Pastor Grabill did a masterful job in conveying to us what Jesus went through because of our sins (Killer Debt...i loved the double entendre). Main takeaway point for me: We downplay our sins and as a result of that, we downplay the sins of others. This affects our passion to reach the lost. I believe this point was so true. I know there have been many times when, under the weight of my own guiltiness, I downplayed my sins and have let it dilute the sins of others as well. This is probably why I uphold standards at one moment and don't in another moment. Whew...thank God for Jesus! His consistency is unparalleled!

So...now, I'm at this point. It's almost 11 pm on Palm Sunday evening. The last time I fasted was this time last year. My spiritual life is on its way to the ICU. Physically, ugh. lol. Academically, I feel like there's a real possibility that I will do something to screw up me graduating in May (ppl keep telling me it's all in my head). I look around me and everyone seems to be doing this and that, and getting hitched, and getting jobs, and realizing their purpose in God, and "so on and so forth"...and I'm here. Financially...I'm just praying. I just need the Lord...every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday. And that's real.

I'm doing a 21 Day Fast. I plan to chart it on here since I'll have a bit more free time a.k.a. no Facebook. I need some answers and I need them fast. But what I've resolved myself to even more is...even if the Lord doesn't give me one answer during this time, He's worth every bit of the sacrifice. Shame on me for not being proactive earlier.

For the people,
Ash B.

Song on constant replay: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48kRtw5PtCI&feature=related